The Iron Monger's report

A very useful report by a subscriber to the Guest Book

"My only regret concerning Jakarta was that I hadn't been born with an extra schnutz. The people there are wonderful, and the country does not deserve the bad international reputation it has acquired. The girls are beautiful, sexy, loving and tender, so what more do you want (apart from another schnutz).

Before you go, I would recommend that you learn a bit of Bahasa Indonesian. It's a piss-ass easy language and a little goes a long way. Very few girls speak English, especially the best-looking ones. Also, bring a photocopy of your passport (more about that later) and a small flashlight or cigarette lighter so you can see the face of the girl you are talking to, some of these discos really are pitch-black dark infernos.

If like me this is your first trip and you are wondering where to locate yourself in the city, the choice of convenience is between Blok M in the south and Kota in the north. I chose Kota because, being the Chinatown zone, I expected to find good food and I wasn't disappointed. I stayed in the excellent Prinsen Park Hotel just inside the Lokasari Plaza shopping complex halfway along Jl Manga Besar. Monger-friendly aircon rooms and condoms that come with the minibar, 170,000 rupiahs ($17) and they don't do ID checks on your guests. Inflation in Indonesia currently stands at 14% so expect all the prices I mention here to be higher by the time you read this. Another hotel for the same price is the new Hotel Olympic across the way which has its own sauna and karaoke scene.

The mongering attraction in the Lokasari Plaza is the cosmic Today Country (also known as Tiara Ceria) live music pub. It also doubles up as a brothel with two sets of short-time rooms. There are two entrances. One is through the shopping mall, up one set of escalators, then straight through to the parking area at the back. Alternatively, walk to the left of the shopping mall past the kiddies' game center, and you will see another entrance. You pay 20,000 to get in which gets you a beer (except on Saturday and Sunday when there is a disco). The place is shit-ass dark and a mamasan will normally greet you and lead you to a table, before asking if you want a girl. One mamasan there speaks very good English. If you don't like the look of the girl she brings you or vice-versa, get her changed till she brings you one you like and who smiles. You will then be led to the short-time rooms and pay a cashier 250,000 for the gig. When you're done, that may be the last you ever see of the girl unless you want to pay for another shot. None of the girls are over 20 and some look very young. If you ask a girl how old she is ("Umurnya berapa?"), she will almost certainly say "Tujuh belas" (17), the legal age of consent in the country. I went there 6 times and after the second time, the mamasan knew what kind of girls were my type and vice-versa, and always brought me the new ones to break in. Life can be a bitch. The mamasan will expect a tip of 20,000 R every time and she'll treat you like her own son. Today Country opens around 14:00 in the afternoon and closes around 23:00, so you can get a shag before dinner. Don't expect to see many other foreigners here.

The other attraction in the area is the Stadium Disco. I only went there once which was enough for me. The only word I can find to describe the place adequately is "evil". It is off the main road Jl. Hasam Wuruk down an alleyway so a bit hard to find on foot. Turn left going south from Jl. Mangar Besar and it's in the fourth alleyway on the left just before you get to the 1001 building. Go up to the disco on the top floor where the action takes place. Entrance charge is 30,000 - 50,000 and gets you one beer. The mainly Indonesian techno is deafeningly loud and oppressive, and the waiters sell ecstasy over the counter. If a girl doesn't find you, a mamasan will bring you one. Girls here are generally aged 18-25 and not as inexperienced as some of the girls at Today Country. There are short-time rooms here too.

Three alleyways back towards Jl Mangar Besar are two massage parlours, called Berlian and something else. I had a look in Berlian and the women had all seen better days. 250,000 for body-to-body massage and full sex.

If you want a lively place just to hang and watch action, try Club 36 next to the Jayakarta Hotel. This is a disco which caters for groups of Chinese and not so dark that you can't see peoples' faces. 30,000 for a draft Bintang. The hostesses here are really gorgeous and dance on the bar counter. There is a ladydrink system and I suspect rooms upstairs too but I reckon you are talking about serious cash here if you want to nail one of them.

Blok M is where the foreigner nightlife area is to be found. One bus goes here direct from the airport. Check out the excellent website at www.jakartablokm.com .The best and also cheapest way to get around Jakarta incidentally is to use the Trans-Jakarta bus, only 3500 R a hop. It runs on its own exclusive bus-lane so doesn't get caught up in traffic jams like taxis do. Runs on the same route from Kota to Blok M from 0500 to 2200. If you find yourself in the bus terminal basement lobby, take Tunnel Two out and the left exit. You will see the small street called Pelatahan with all the bars, with Oscars in the corner, great little place for live music, and hookers over 30. D's Place is where the over-50s grizzly ex-pats all drink, engaged principally in oil, gas and mining, an affable crowd and a mine of information for the newcomer. The only place to go after midnight is My Bar, open till 0445. Beers are 27,000 and the place is packed with poontang, especially Fridays and Saturdays. Girls will want 300,000 to 700,000 to spend the night, and it may be the case that the older you look, the more they will expect. After 1:00 it is not unusual to see girls from the Japanese karaoke bars coming in, who will ask for 1 million rupiahs initially but you should be able to knock them down. Girls here are very, very good at getting you to buy them drinks so bring plenty of cash. Once the management know your face (took me two nights), they'll let you run up a tab which I think you can pay by credit card.

Don't use any of the taxis parked in this street, they'll fuck your ass and ruin a nice evening. Turn left out of My Bar and at the end of the road to the right you'll see a line of Bluebird Taxis, the only taxi firm in town with a reputation for honesty. When you get in a parked taxi, you have to pay for their parking space, typically 2000 - 5000 R. The taxis outside My Bar want up to 100,000 R just to turn the engine on and are in league with some of the girls too, so don't put up with any shit.

I mention the Japanese karaoke bars because when I looked in a couple of them, the impression I got was that the best-looking girls in town are to be found there. There was a time when you had to be Japanese to get into these places but not anymore. The bar street is to the left of the Losari Blok M Hotel (confusing name), 240,000 including breakfast. (I would have stayed there if I hadn't liked Kota so much). You need to negotiate a package with the mamasan which will include drinks for you, lady drinks, karaoke, and the right to take the girl out after. I was quoted 700,000 with beer for 5 hours in Mikado, and 30,000 an hour with beers at 50,000 each in Sei Ji. They close at 0100 so you need to get there around 8 or 9 to make it worthwhile.

The Hotel Melawai is a walk away and has the notorious massage parlour on the sixth floor. I was taken to this hotel one night by an enchanting little seductress who picked me up on my way out of Oscars but I was asked 400,000 for a room so called it a night. She didn't want to come with me back to Kota which might be a reason to get a hotel nearby for taking girls home.

I checked out the famous and long-established Tanamur and JJ's nightclubs during the week and they were closed both times. The expats I talked to said these two places have been going steadily downhill over the past six years with all the new places opening up, so can probably be crossed off the mongering list.

The other famous bars in town are inside the big hotels in the centre. I went through four security checkpoints to get into the Shangri-La Hotel for the BATS bar in the basement, where I was refused entry for wearing sandals, shorts and a sleeveless teashirt. They did me a favor. I heard that beers are 70,000 and in any case I wasn't looking for a 35 year old "high class" hooker to talk current affairs with.

I was in a Bluebird taxi from Blok M going back with a Japanese karaoke girl to my Kota hotel one morning at 0430 when we were flagged down by a police roadblock in Jl Manga Besar. I did not have my passport on me so was offered the choice of being taken down the cop shop or paying an on-the-spot "fine" of 100,000. The girl didn't have ID for Jakarta (they are clamping down on out-of-town Indonesians too) so I had to pay the same amount for her too.

You can't call yourself a monger till you've been to Jakarta. Enjoy.