The Beer Goggles Equation
Credit for this highly amusing spoof academic paper goes to a group of guys at the University of Wales at Swansea. It's the world's first known attempt to scientifically quantify just how much beer you've got to drink before you bed the girl of your nightmares. If you'd like to download a copy in Adobe PDF format, just click here .
The determination of the number of pints
required to have sex with a ‘not the best’ female
C.Williams, J. Naylor, M. Hatcher and S. Roberts
University of Wales Swansea, Singleton Park, Swansea SA2 8PP
ABSTRACT
This report will look at the determination of the number of pints required to 'do a munter'. Initially we shall be looking at the types of females that are around and determining the types that can be regarded as ‘stinking’.
This report will follow on to use mathematical models to help determine the number of pints required for an arbitrary male for him to succumb to the wrath of a minger.
INTRODUCTION
This report is about the amount of fermented vegetable drink required for consumption before a Homo sapiens male is consciously willing to partake in a mating ritual with a Homo sapiens female with defective attributes. Examples of these attributes include having big bones, hair of a golden colour or mammary glands of a small nature. One shall start this report by looking at the different types of females that are around. The first assumption to be made was by Williams1 (1997) who stated that the fitness of the women around is normally distributed with mean 6 and standard deviation of 2. This is represented in diagrammatic form in figure 1.
THE GRAPH OF FITNESS AGAINST PROBABILITY
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figure 1
As we can see from figure 1, there are many females that are average, yet there are only a few really good and really bad ones. A corollary of this theorem was given by Naylor et al 2, who stated that one male’s frame of reference of one female being fit is different to another male's with respect to the pint and 'gagging for a shag' (GFS) variables. [fit means that the female in question is worth a male releasing his reproductive mucus.]
ACCESSIBILITY FUNCTION
The accessibility to the Homo sapiens female’s reproductive organs is sometimes an easy path yet sometimes a hard path. Ward gives the following result in this area:
MINGE ACCESSIBILITY 
GRIMNESS
This means that if the female in question is of high grimness then her minge accessibility will also be easy. Conversely, if a female has hard accessibility then there is high probability that the aforementioned female is attractive. The graph for this is given in figure 2.
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figure 2
This graph is not very rigid though as there are many outliers to this theorem. For example there are many girl of a grimness factor high who regard themselves as having a grimness factor low hence they make their minge accessibility rating hard whereas it should be easy. Further studies in this area have been done by Roberts3.
CALCULATING THE GRIMNESS OF A FEMALE
Hatcher et al4 produced a law to find out the grimness of any female. This is as follows:
HATCHER’S LAW
The total quality of a female can be found by using the following formula:
As all males are different the person conducting the study puts in how important they regard each of the four aspects of a femaIe, i.e. if they regard tits to be twice as important as everything else, then a = 2, ß = 1, χ = 1, δ = 1. The point score for each of the aspects is within the range of 1 to 10.
This law gives us our value for the grimness factor variable.
WHETHER OR NOT SHE WOULD GET IT
Before deciding on how much alcohol is required for this unity of two bodies, one thought must be processed. What happens if the female would ‘get a portion’ regardless of alcohol? This problem has been overcome by Naylor’s Sober Theorem. This theorem is as follows:
WOULD THE FEMALE GET IT IF YOU WERE SOBER? |
If no go to Pint Factor equation | |
| if yes then pints = 0 |
DETERMINATION OF PINT FACTOR FOR UNFIT WOMEN
Williams1 gives the following formula to calculate the pint consumption required to be willing to fornicate with a scrubber.
WILLIAMS’S PINT FACTOR EQUATION
| where | G = Grimness (1 to 10) |
| P = Presentation (1 to 10) | |
| B = Bike constant (1 = Lady, 2 = Bike) | |
| GFS = Gagging for a shag (1 to 10) | |
| W = Temperature (1 to 10) |
In general if REQUIRED PINT TO SHAG >15 = NON-SHAG SATURATION REGION
CONCLUSION
Even though this study is quite thorough there are still many different aspects that need to be considered. These include religion factor, virgin factor and snootiness factor. The equations given in this report are quite well defined but due to the randomness and unpredictability of females, mathematical modelling might not give the best results all of the time.
REFERENCES
1. C. Williams (1997) The quantum theorem of bird studies
2. J. Naylor (1999) Women shaggability and their applications
3. S. Roberts (1999) The psychology of women: Does grimness affect personality
4. M. Hatcher (1999) Clitoris Sciences with illustrative examples